It's all about ME, baby! (Birth - 1997)

It's all about ME, baby! (1997 - present) is my story after discovering the Atkins Diet. This is my story up to that point. I was born one snowy Winter's day. Mum told me that my cot was placed next to an open window in Central Middlesex Hospital. That explains a lot! Here's mum, me and my sister.


I don't remember much about my early years. As we were relatively poor (dad was a tailor and mum did typing for a solicitor), getting regular French Fancies & Corona lemonade deliveries was considered a status symbol. I ran around in the street with other kids of my age but I was fat. I was also very short for my age (insufficient GH from my pituitary?) and was rubbish at sports in primary school. Here's a photo taken when I was about 9 or 10. I'm the shortest boy in the picture.


Stripy shirts were all the rage, apparently. Even at this tender age, I used to regularly fall asleep after eating a plate of chips.

In secondary school, sports was dreadful what with having to play cricket using a cricket ball (instead of a tennis ball), contact sports, swimming and showers. Being short, fat & under-developed, I was embarrassed to get undressed in front of my peers, so I developed the art of forging sick notes in my mum's handwriting. I was a very sickly child! ;-D

My forging skills resulted in the total avoidance of swimming (also contact sports, cross-country running etc) and a big improvement in the quality of my handwriting! With tennis, I had to travel to a tennis court by train. I didn't mind doing that, as there were no showers at the tennis courts and I could play the game for a while until I overheated. Secondary school was where I developed a total hatred for almost all sports and when I left, that was the end of exercise as far as I was concerned. When I left secondary school at the age of 18, I was 4 feet 9 inches tall.

At university, I would have a cheese & ham salad baguette washed down with a can of Coke (non-diet in those days) for lunch, followed by a snooze.

At work, I would have a cheese & raw onion roll washed down with a can of Coke for tea-break, followed by a snooze. Here's me at the age of 26. At some point, my pituitary gland "woke up" and secreted GH, as I grew to 6 feet 1 inch tall in my late twenties.


I did manage to get some work done!

When I was dating, I jogged/walked for over 4 miles a day to see my girlfriend. I got slim. After I married, that stopped and as I was a skint Electronic Engineer and Lesley was a skint Cake Decorator, my diet was predominantly cheap carbohydrates, like bread, pasta, potatoes & rice. The result? Lots of snoozes + lots of weight gain. I was a lazy git, apparently.

In 1992, Lesley left to live with her mother. In 1994, I started dating Eileen. At parties, I became (in)famous for falling asleep after eating nibbles made from refined carbohydrates.

The problem with "Whole Grain" cereals etc.

As I mentioned in Carbohydrates: Dogs' Doodads or Spawn of Satan?, some breakfast cereals turn into blood glucose faster than table sugar (half glucose bonded with half fructose) even though they're "Whole Grain" cereals.

A whole grain consists of a protective outer shell (a.k.a. bran) and innards consisting of starchy/proteiny endosperm and nutritious germ. See Cereal germ.

To turn a whole grain into a breakfast cereal, it's ground into dust, mixed with water to form a paste and the paste is extruded through holes into whatever shape the manufacturer desires. Technically-speaking, everything that was in the whole grain is in the finished product. However, the form & function have completely changed. Here are a couple of analogies.

1) I want to sell my car. First, I take it to a scrap-yard and have it shredded into tiny pieces. All of the tiny pieces are put in a skip which is delivered to my driveway. I place a sign on the skip stating "Whole Mazda MX-5 for sale. Enquire within. £5,000 O.N.O.". What would you offer for my "Whole Car"?

2) An insane person gives me £5,000 (in £50 notes) for my "Whole Car". As I'm on a roll, I take the notes and put them through a cross-cut shredder which turns them into thousands of 2mm x 2mm pieces. I empty the pieces into an attaché case. Who will accept my attaché case full of "Whole £50 notes" as payment for their second-hand car? Any more insane people out there?

Turning grains into dust does three things.

1) It exposes the starchy endosperm.

2) It vastly increases the surface area of the grain resulting in much faster digestion & absorption as blood glucose. Surface area is inversely proportional to particle size. If 3mm grains are reduced to 0.1mm particles, the surface area is increased by a factor of 30. How effective is chewing? Interestingly, once the particle size has fallen below a certain value, reducing it further makes no further difference. See The Effect of Particle Size of Whole-Grain Flour on Plasma Glucose, Insulin, Glucagon and Thyroid-Stimulating Hormone in Humans. Therefore, "whole grain" bread is just as bad as white bread in terms of its glucose & insulin response.

3) It makes the finished product much more likely to stick to your teeth, resulting in the rapid formation of tartar that damages your teeth and gums.

Rolled grains are whole grains that have been steamed (to cook and make them soft) and then put through what's effectively a mangle. They're still whole, if somewhat flat. Puffed grains are whole grains that have been heated to make the water within them boil. As steam takes up a much larger volume than water, the grains are inflated to a much larger size. They're still whole, if somewhat funky-looking.

So, don't be conned by breakfast cereal labels. If they look like "O"s or Brillo pads or brake pads, they're not whole grains.

Oats are O.K. even when turned into oatmeal, probably due to their high beta-glucan content which forms a wallpaper paste-like goo when wet. See Particle size of wheat, maize, and oat test meals: effects on plasma glucose and insulin responses and on the rate of starch digestion in vitro.

See also Anthony Colpo's The Whole Grain Scam.